An overview of Autistic masking and my lived experiences with it
George Muniz Gund
August 31st 2022
I’ve always been told I write very well.
Here’s the thing, I learned to write well as a trauma response.
Going through life being constantly questioned, doubted or not taken seriously because my brain functions in a way that is foreign to most people and as a consequence of that I present many traits that may be perceived as weird and make people uncomfortable. These traits include infodumping about my special interests, avoiding direct eye contact, needing extra time to process information, stimming, having certain sensory sensitivities (even if relatively minor), etc…
Throughout my life I have been constantly perceived as weird or even rude (even with no idea I was coming across that way) and have had to constantly prove that I am smart and I know what I’m talking about, yet at the same time some people don’t take my Autism seriously or think it’s “very mild” . That’s because overtime I have learned to mask my autistic traits quite well.
Masking is not something us Autistics want to do, it is something we feel forced to do in order to feel more accepted by society. Masking is exhausting and it can lead to extreme overwhelm, depression and burnout that can sometimes last for days or even weeks in some cases.
The problem is that if I don’t mask I get perceived as weird, rude, obnoxious or something similar. This is why the ability to mask and even unmask can actually be a privillage in certain situations. Some Autistics simply don’t have the ability to mask their Autistic Traits, particularly nonspeakers, therefore they are a lot more exposed to face discrimination on a daily basis, particularly if they are multiply marginalized.
Being misperceived is one of the things myself and many other autistics like me hate the most, and when you behave in your authentically Autistic ways it’s just a given that people are going to misperceive you. So, in an effort to try and mitigate this, over time my brain has learned how to mask my Autistic traits. This is because I was constantly told or led to believe that I had to act Neurotypical in order to be accepted. It is just now that I am realizing that is nonsense and so I am finally allowing myself to be myself, without really knowing what that fully encompasses.
I have been masking my whole life and I am just now starting to unmask. I have to acknowledge though that unmasking is a white autistics game. If you are a black Autistic person there are situations where you simply will not be able to unmask because you are at an even greater risk of being mispercieved and suffer systemic harm because you are facing ableism and racism at the same time. White autistics have the benefit of people maybe giving them the benefit of the doubt and more tolerance when they display their autistic traits compared to how they would react to an Autistic black person in that situation.
For those that are able to unmask, it is a long arduous process. A lot of times the brain will automatically mask because it is so used to doing that as a trauma response.
You might notice me behaving differently, in more authentically Autistic ways, which could be in the form of stimming, infodumping about Autism, being very direct with communication and asking for supports, and essentially acting in ways that you might’ve never seen me act before.
Some might think I am becoming someone else, but what is really happening is that I am slowly shedding the mask and revealing my true self.
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